Well... I was just now looking for a little explanation I thought I'd written. But I couldn't find it in my BLogs. This is again on the subject of The Brown-Haired Muse, for those of you who remember who I mean. (Actually, it is all about me. -it is Always about me, after all.)

OK, so the thing I wanted to say, was that the POINT of my situation, is Not that I'm attracted to her for her books and not her Body, the Point of it, is that I'm attracted to her for one little trait, and not for her personality, (Which, truthfully, I can't say that I know.)

This came up now, because I was talking with Ngijiroo (A totally made up name, and the first totally made up name I've used on this website,) in a bar (which I stopped in to, with my colleagues after work and dinner.) We talked a little (which I'll tell more about at the end of this entry,) and her reaction to my description of this Literary Girl I'm attracted to, and the way that I'm attracted to her glasses, and her books, was that there was nothing "wrong" with me, and no reason why literature should be thought of as less attractive than ... "A bubble-headed large-breasted Beauty."

And... you can go back and re-read the Point now, and perhaps you will understand it.

For some time now, I've been thinking about this Muse with Brown hair. And I've been unsettled by the fact that I was Attracted to her. -By the fact that I was attracted to her, and couldn't give myself an explanation for that. At first, I thought it was because I didn't have enough to be attracted to, then I felt that I felt that I didn't know her well enough to be attracted, and Now... I know that I AM attracted to her, only for a few superficial reasons, and that I feel uncomfortable about That.

I "know" that I feel attraction to Nice people, and to people that I get along well with, and people whose personalities bring out the best in me. And in this case, it is shown that I'm a total passionate, hopeless fool, as soon as Books are involved. (And she seems like such a nice girl! -although it could just be that she is moderately polite, and hasn't felt the urge to tell me to quit bothering her.)

Anyhow!

On to a little tale of Ngijiroo. She was one of the first people that I met in Detmold, once I'd moved here. And I spent some amounts of time with her. About a month or two ago, I heard, from her, about how happy she is with her boyfriend. -And she was single when I met her, and I had felt that things could have worked out between us... if they'd been given the chance. You never know! We might have made a great couple. (Such were my thoughts, when I'd first met her. Such are usually my thoughts, when I meet someone kind, and hear that they are single. Such is the life of "Lonely Me." It is not a thing of lust, and seeing how Many partnerships I can get, it is only the constant, undying hope of finding Someone, who I could have a relationship with. And then, I'm an optimist, so, everyone new that I meet, I imagine COULD be a wonderful match for me, until I find out otherwise. Such is my philosophy of... finding relationships. Do You, the reader of this, think that I'm a "bad" person in some way for that?)

So... I met Ngijiroo, and thought, "Who knows... the little that I know of her, seems great to me." And... she had no interest in me, but we still exchanged greetings, when our paths crossed. And we would still chat, when we found a few spare minutes in the street. And then today, she was talking about her boyfriend, and how he really likes Terry Prattchett, and has memorised lines from Faust, and Othello, simply out of devotion to these works.

And in one heart beat, my feelings towards this man changed from guarded suspicion and jealousy, as a rival, to camaraderie and esteem. (Again, is it the book factor which so rules my sentiments?) And I told Ngijiroo of my exact feelings. (And it turned out that it was the first time I'd admitted to her the way I'd felt before.) And she took it well, and with good humour, the way that I'd suddenly come to respect her man, and now considered him "Good enough" for her.

I feel that it is part of my Ideals. (I can have ever so High ideals, you see.) I idolise many women, and imagine that they deserve the best possible treatment. And I so often see them receiving terrible treatment, (at least my idealistic standards.) Now though, Ngijiroo seems to me... (as I just said,) to have found someone deserving of her attention, and someone who will treat her properly.

I have seen far to many who don't have such luck. And it disturbs me so. There are two I could name off the top of my head: Thoojlouvwo and Jingwo, (Again, the false names.) The first has at least ended things with her undeserving man, (although I never know when they may get back together.) And the second... I can only hope she ends it, and will find someone worthy next time. (I've heard that she's known quite a few... jerks.) And... of course... I still feel that I could be a "right" person for either of these two. (Although, I don't really know; We could theoretically spend a week together, and then never want to hear of the other again. But... we Don't know. -And I'm an optimist.)

And I should sleep. There's a performance tomorrow... (today.)

However, to read more about how nice girls choose stupid people, and not ME... there's a bit I wrote back in April 18th on the subject, half way down the page.
I sleep. M.