Well... here I am, in the theater bus, going to Witten, for "Das Land des Lachens." (Which I really ought to write a review for... eventually.) -and how about Victor-Victoria? I've had the last performance of that... so from now on, I'll just be forgetting it more and more.

Anyhow, I'm sitting in the bus, going ... I don't know where. The position of the sun suggests West.

Last night was the premiere of Der zwerg and "The Spanish Hour" by Ravel. I didn't watch, because I was in rehearsal, but I went to congratulate everyone after. (OK, OK: the truth is: I went to spend time with this one girl, and when there, I congratulated my friends and colleagues.) Well... In the end, I actually was only talking to the colleagues. But... there was a rather intense moment at the outset:

You may know, that I was quite stunned by this woman. Ah, quite. But I'm timid, and always fearful of ... people being frightened or outright disturbed by my passion. So... I had decided to use this night as an opportunity to express my interest in her, and to give her flowers under the pretext of this premiere she's involved in. OK... so, after the show, I was waiting in the canteen, where she came in with some friends. They were sitting at my table, and She had gone to get something to drink. I planned on presenting the flowers at her return, when I had an awful presentment: That this one guy in her group ... might be Her guy. So, I quickly worked up the courage, and asked him.

His reply was, "I'm Katrin's boyfriend."

"Oh bugger!" I thought, but had to laugh. It was such a narrow escape from total embarrassment. So, I gave him my congratulations on having such a beautiful girl. I told him that Katja must be very nice company. And he said "Katja?"

-Katrin was someone else sitting in the group.

So, I laughed twice as hard, and was thankful that it had all been cleared up at last. -And all in time to surprise Katja with the roses too.

There ended my success that evening. I was a little tense, and overly careful (I think,) and, in the end, I think, just really boring to be around. That's what I figure. Anyhow... she left a little while later, talking to someone else. And I felt... like a bloody hopeless fool. But... I certainly was familiar with the feelings I was left with. (The sort of thwarted amorous hopes that my life has been full of.) And... I knew what to do with these feelings; Create. Channel it all into my hands, and my creativity. And once more, my broken heart has proved an asset to my poetry. I quickly finished up my Lullaby, which I had been trying to write for a week or two. I'm rather happy with it now.

I would have loved, after that, to have gone on a walk to the middle of no-where, and play my flute, but it's still not working, and I haven't got a new one (Though 45 minutes ago, I might have gotten one off e-bay... if no one out-bid me this time.) Anyhow, that's most of my night.

The other thing, was seeing what I understood to be a guy cheating on his girlfriend. (In the end, I know that it wasn't as it appeared, and one way or the other, it's not my business.) Anyhow, it was important, because of the effect it had on me:

I was fond of the "girlfriend," and though I don't believe anything ever could work between Us, yet I wish her very well. Anyhow, I wrote a very reactionary, emotionally charged bit of poetry

-(ACK! We've just got to Witten! time to go!)

In the theater changeroom:

Well... this piece is totally nonrefined, and don't know if I'll ever feel it is presentable. It is all about how aggravated I felt, that this man would treat a woman so. I think (only now, not at the time,) that a large part of my anger, was that even though he treats her so cruelly, he... well, he Has a girlfriend. -And I do not. (In fact, it seemed that he had Two women, and I had none, though I felt that Either of those women would be happier with me.)

The outcome of this all, was this strong reaction in me. It was like an inoculation: The idea of cheating on a woman (should I be lucky enough to find one,) used to be disrespected by me. In my mind, it was unkind. Now, I actively despise it. I am sickened by it, and shudder at the thought of committing such cruelties myself. A relationship is a sacred thing (The more so, because I don't have one.) Doing something so... Vile. Is detestable to me now. That's all there is to say.

Anyhow... the recent loss of hope for me, and the unfairness I witnessed... made it a depressing night, and after I'd finished writing, I went right home. And now... I'm in my familiar state of being enchanted by feminine beauty, and aggravated by my inability to interact with it.

Such is my life.

PS: Should this be read by any of my Detmold colleagues, I would like to remind you that these are my THOUGHTS. Do not go about accusing people, or thinking ill of them because of what you've read. Everyone has reasons for everything they do. And we can't openly criticise them unless we know with certainty what their reasons are.