Well, that was the thought of yesterday. Today's was on the same broad topic, (How am I supposed to live, with my love so thwarted at every move?) but in a different light. Now, the view is this: Why can't I be happy, even without her caring at all about me?

When I was young, in School in Montreal, I was passionate about this, then that, then this other wonderful school mate. (And so many of them were So... nice.) But all the time, I had this... figure head of perfect femininity, who I thought of as a symbol for the fairer sex. And that was Nulshaw. She lived back home, and in those three years, I sent her only 2 or 3 letters. Yet... she was -a focus point for me. And each night, I would think of giving her my entire heart, so that I could grow a new one the next day, out of the pure love and joy of interacting with others like her, (Wonderful, inspiring women, -well, girls, at that age.) And I slept so well, having somewhere to channel my passion, love, and emotion. Even though she only wrote to me once (I think,) the thought of her made my life, and the disappointments in it, that much more bearable.

So... why can't I do that now? Why can't I love Veshaw, with all my heart, and be inspired by her all the time, and draw energy and joy out of this feeling? It's only because I think that we should be in a relationship that I'm so unhappy; I'm always agonising about how things are wrong, and she doesn't love me, and that my passion is useless, and that I am therefor useless. Shouldn't I just be able to accept the way things are, and recognise that we will NEVER have anything together, and... simply enjoy every moment that I am near her. Let us be friends, But love her with all my heart. -In secrecy. In Private. So that not She, or anyone else needs to know that she is my inspiration, and motivation in everything that I do.

All I need to do, to have this... resolution, is to accept that we'll never be together. -And that I may never hug her, or massage her, or hold her hand, or touch her caringly. (And right now, I am always thinking of that: It would be so nice to hug her right now! And now, to touch her shoulder, and now to take her hand, and now, to smile and pat her leg.)

Well... I don't know if this is practicable, because I see Veshaw so often, and my heart is so full of her, and besides: It feels kind of dishonest, or something, to balance my Love on her patient good will, and let things rest there.

Only time will tell how this will end though.

Such are the turmoils of a passionate heart. -But hopefully, in the end, I will find a more passionate love, and more intense bliss. (I'd better, damn it!)
M.