I have to laugh at myself.

I was just taking the train back to Lüneburg after a four day weekend, in which I'd spend an awful lot of time reading, but finishing, just as I stepped out of the train station here, Of Human Bondage. So, I was feeling pleased, romantic, joyous, and so on. And I turned my phone back on, (It's battery had become very low this morning,) and went to delete some of the old sms's. (Whenever the phone gets turned on, it thinks that it's memory for messages is full. So I go in, and find some old one to delete.) Just then, I got a new message. So, I went up to the top of the list I was looking at, to read it. And what I shock I had.

The number it was sent from was saved in my phone as "Katja Pad." -And I took that to mean Paderborn. And I couldn't believe my eyes. It was something like "Hey Matthew! I hope every thing is fine with you. I'm just on my way home from a birthday party. Good night." Hmmmm.... Now who could this be from?

The only person I know of from Paderborn... No. I will not believe that. Who could it be from? But... "Pad." -And her name might have been Katja. But... I last saw her more than a year ago. I used to be enamoured of her, and she was uninterested. And she went to England for studies. And there's been no communication at all for more than a year. (I think I might have sent her one e-mail after she'd left to England.) How could it be THAT Katja? I was more than surprised. And quite flattered too, that out of the blue, after a good 15 months, that she'd just write an sms like that to me, casual as could be, and hope that I was doing well. I felt that No one, ever, could help from wanting to be my friend. I guess I'm just such a wonderful guy, that nobody can forget me, and they all wish, at some point, that they'd stayed in touch. (My ego was LOVING this thought.)

But... I'd given her my webpage address, hadn't I? She does know that I'm inextricably in love with Pamela, right? And I gave my self a quick once over; Did I feel any interest in this girl I was once infatuated with? Is my love for Pamela True, complete, pure, and absolute? (Do I doubt myself too much? Yes, probably.) But, that doubting leaves me more certain, because my answer was a very assured "YES". But it was still funny thinking about replying to this person I'd once been so mushy over. Why is that so? I haven't yet found ... a natural way of acting around old flames. (Real, hoped for, or even just imagined.) The thing that most attracted me to them, was the thought that Maybe, this time, with good luck, whoever-she-was would be "Right" -and I could end up loving her with my whole heart, and find the greatest worldly joy with her and...

Well, in short, I was attracted to the possibility that they could turn out to be as perfect for me as Pamela is.

This is why I don't find attraction, the old, searching, longing hope that I once felt SO often. All the girls I know or meet now... are "Nice. Yes sure. But, they aren't exactly Pamela, are they?" ("Exactly Pamela" being the highest perfection, because she's Exactly Right for me.)

So, I was thinking about this, and trying once more, to figgure out if I care about any other woman at all, or if they might as well not exist to me. I was puzzled, because I didn't know how I could behave, to all these who I used to think of as "Possibly the right one" (I really obsessed over this in my lonely past. It wasn't "Can I Get her" at all, it just "Have I found someone to love at last?" It was a constant, CONSTANT hope that I had.) -And this lead to a constant flirtation, and a constant wanting to know more about every available woman I met. So, how can I act around them all now? When I no longer have the eternal hope of finding the Right One among them, (Hee hee hee, I have already found the Right One,) Then I've lost my desire to know all about them too, right? Have I lost all interest in their characters entirely? Do I have any thing to say to them at all? Or would it all be just a superficial display I put on, to seem friendly and sociable?

But my answer came to me in a flash. I was always looking for the Right One, but never considered it possible that the Right One would be in a relationship with someone else. So, any woman who wasn't Single, was (excuse the term, it makes it sound so trivial, and sordid,) a Candidate. (Better to say, they could not possibly be the One whom I could Fully love.) The certainty of this, is that If I were to love them, they would have to break-up with their other one to love me, and that was sure to cause them pain. And I could never bring Pain to the one I loved. So... Those who were attached to someone else, were automatically free from my hopes, passions, and dreams. I never ignored them though. I just... knew that I would never be Interested in them, (With a capitol "I" meaning Interested in the possibility of a relationship.) The point is, that I would still talk with them, take an interest in what was happening in their lives, and so on.

So, the thought struck me, that I already knew exactly how to behave with women that I felt there was no chance of a relationship with, (I mean, no chance what so Ever. I was so devoted to my search for the Right One, that just because I'd only seen some woman once from a bus, didn't mean that there was No chance of a relationship with her. It was still possible!) The thing is now, to see Every woman, whether she's single or not, as unavailable. -Unavailable to me, which is exactly what they all are. It's just a funny symmetry, that needs me to look at it from a different agle. Because I look at them, and not at myself, (I look Through myself, and As myself, but not At myself,) It was always a question whether They were available. And it's just a matter of seeing, clearly, that they're not.

Has this made any sense what so ever? Because, NOW, comes the punchline!!! (hee hee hee.)

Still somewhat in shock at having got this sms, I get home, and start considering how I might reply to it. (Now that I knew how I COULD reply to it: just treat her exactly as another nice, interesting, but unavailable friend.) And I looked at the SMS, to see what time it had been written, because I didn't want to wake her up, in the case that it had been written in the earlier evening. It didn't look like that would be the case though. In fact, it was written at two in the morning. -Now the time, just then, was only ten o-clock. And I was more than a little confused. So, then I took a better look at it. And promptly discovered, that it was written in the spring... of 2004. (Ha ha! I'm laughing aloud now, Again!) I had scrolled up, past the top of the list of messages,, and arrived at the bottom. But, because I was already in the list when that message arrived, I guess that my phone got confused, and felt that the unread one was there, (at the bottom of the list.)

Now, is it just me who sees this whole situation as a little ridicules? All that worrying, and self-analyses, over a twenty month old sms?

OH DEAR! It's an hour later now, and I just realized that I might have greatly offended some of my friends; It really would seem too thoughtless of me, if I was "Only ever interested in meeting them, because I hopped that they would be my love." That's not true though. It could be said to be true, perhaps, of the time just after my first glance at them, before I knew them at all, but from the first word exchanged, there would have been an increasing degree of interest in them specifically because they were interesting people.

And then, of course, there were all of those that I found were "not available," -that I had no romantic thoughts of what-so-ever, who I went on to know well, and be great friends with. (The most stunning example of that, would be Therisa, who I found out was engaged within two minutes of meeting her, but who became one of my fastest friends.) So, no worries, my dear friends. Although the Search for Her was always a part of me, it was not the Only thing I ever thought of. (It was just One of the things, which was Always in my head.)