I have felt something along these lines before, in my life, but never could put it into words, (or even clear thoughts.) There was... a long time, (try out the period of four years,) when I could never honestly say that I was in love with someone. (lust, infatuation, hope, desperation, joy, friendship, and so on and so forth. But not Love.) And it's true: during that time, I would always be asking myself, "Her!? Do I love her then? Have I founds love again at last? Have I have I have I?" -and the answer always came, sooner or later, "well.... no."

I wonder though... was it more a matter of sabotaging whatever love there was, by my constant prodding and questioning it? Or was it just that I needed patience, and time, to find the Right woman? well... the answer then to that question, is the deep, soul-searching, personality-analysing task, of thinking of every woman I had the most momentary hopes for, and deciding if there was really any chance of being happy with them. (And... thinking of how desperate I was to find love, and how I could have "Hopes" when having known someone for a couple of hours... It would take a long, long, long time thinking, to decide if there were any of them I might have been happy with.) -Besides which, There's so many of them that I never knew for more than an hour or two, so I couldn't really say... because I still don't know them. In that group would I include the ones that I was interested in, (in different degrees, up to infatuation,) but who had no interest in me; I never found out how our personalities would go together: I can only judge how happy I Imagined we would have been (and my imagination was able to turn nearly every smile into a promise to always smile, and be happy with me.) The ones that I did come to know well... there's a handful of them, that I guess I might have been happy with. -If... it weren't for the fact that I didn't feel something really special for them. So, in those cases, it seems that my lack of deep feelings could have been my fault: from wanting to have deep feelings so badly. Now... was this all much, MUCH too personal to put on my website? I don't think so. What does it reveal of me? That I was a lonely, lonely man, who was full of hopes of finding love. FULL. (Perhaps you've known the type: The ones that prick up their ears at every mention of the word "Single".) Does that say anything about my personality, and my great love now? Well, it makes it clear that I'm ever so happy, glad, and thrilled to be with Pamela. And the big worry, in this writing, is that it suggests that Pamela wasn't special to me, but merely the first possibility to come along. Well, what can we make of that? I can't argue with the fact that she was the first special one to come along. But... when I think about how many others I met, and got to know, ("getting to know", meaning anything, ranging from talking at a party for twenty minutes, to going on a date and kissing,) I got to know so many, many many, in my eternal search for One, that I can really say that Pamela IS one. One out of hundreds and hundreds. One where... our hearts Worked. Together. (Oh... sigh. I have to wait another eighteen hours before I see her again. One facet of Love, is Impatience.)