Another day in Tartu.

I went fairly early to the theater, to look at more old videos. Just looking this day though: no copying things that I'd been in. I first watched their Nutcracker, which they did Ad Nosium last winter. This was nice to see. The costumes were good. And I don't remember any thing else special about it. There were no children in it though, (well, at least not in the first act. That's when I noticed it.) And the parents were all beautiful. AH! It was THAT one. There's some... strange mask thing. I don't know if it's a scandinavian, or Baltic, or some Eastern legend, or monster, or what. But The Grandfather Figure uses this mask, which has a very old style to it. It's... a stylized goat. No, a demon. No, a... something with horns. And I think that the Nutcracker then had something to do with this creature as well. Or the nutcracker Was this creature. It was... something else. I liked it though. It really looked like something taken out of an ancient legend.

I had some thoughts that it could be the old, old, old traditional costume and mask of Estonia's father Christmas. Long ago in the pagan times. It could have just as well been a strange design thought up by the costume department as well though.

After Nutcracker, I watched "Honeymoon," by Mai Murdmaa. (Mai Murdmaa being the most fantastic choreographer I've ever worked with. She is one of the things I absolutely miss most about Estonia.) This new choreography of hers was danced by the two (Estonian,) Brilliant stars of the Royal ballet, (of London. Surely though, everyone knows that the Royal Ballet is in London,) Thomas Edur and Agnes Oakes. Kai Kõrb was also there, with mesmerizing fluid movements. That pas de deux, (in a dream? Under water? both?) was subtle. Was nice. Was odd, but good. And there was also the... seedy, seamy, gritty, grotesque side of society, which I've seen before in Murdmaa's work. She does not paint a picture of an Ideal World. (And I still haven't found the adjective I'd most like to use.)

Between the two films I watched though, I went up the stairs and saw my dear old colleague Piret. I can't say we were ever really close, but there were a couple of times that I had nice walked through the town with her, and rather often had nice little chats backstage or in the wings. (She's a garderrobier. -A dressingroom matron? She's responsible for all the costumes once they're made, as well as for getting the performers into or out of any costumes that prove difficult.) So it was good to see her again, but she was working. So, I said that I'd meet her later, when she had some time to chat. -specifically, I decided to go to the performance she was working at that evening, and sit around back stage with her.

But first, there was the rest of my afternoon to do something with. The person I managed to get into contact with, who had a bit of free time, was Masha. She's a dancer in Tartu as well, and I got to go to her wedding just before leaving to Germany. (Oh! But it was SUCH a lovely wedding! That couple was just Astoundingly beautiful! She's been studying hard, and has got her degree in... (Let's see if I can at least get close to it,) Semiotics of Dance. (Something like that. It means symbols, symbolism, and meaning of... stuff. Hmmm... Something like that.)

Anyhow, we had a nice little walk, and talked of what we were both doing, and wanting to do, and I got as much news about the theater and old colleagues out of her as I could. Honestly, she wasn't completely happy in Tartu anymore, but she was fair about it, and let me know that it was personal prejudice which made her talk about all the things she didn't like. (For example... No, I oughtn't say. There was just one dance piece which she said was "Awful," but which I had quite enjoyed. So that made it clear that just because Her opinion was that Such-and-Such was not good there, My opinion wouldn't necessarily be the same.)

We also had time to look at my pictures, (at least some of them.) And then I briefly got to see Sasha, her husband, before the two of them had to go off and take care of assorted business. And THEN what did I have to do? Well... I couldn't contact anyone I hadn't yet seen on the phone... at least anyone who was actually in Tartu then. And I was terribly hungry. (I hadn't eaten lunch, and it was getting on towards evening.) So I called Liina again, (You can read all about Liina in yesterday's entry,) and asked what she was doing for dinner. She'd already eaten a bit, but she was able to eat a little more. So... I got some fish, white wine, cream, dill, and pasta, (I think,) and went to her place to cook a nice bit of meal. Again, we got to talking, about this, that, and the other thing. (Ok: largely about me. Also a fair amount about her. We have a sort of hobby, in which we each try to sort out the problem's in the other one's life. So, when I say we "chatted," I mean that we talked somewhat deeply, about what most troubled our minds. But such details and specifics won't be put down here in the Holiday Tales. She's just one of those friends that I feel I can tell everything to.)

If I may be allowed to regress a little on that point: I often enjoy the... sensation, of picking someone, and telling them everything that is on my mind. And barring truly nothing. I mean Really, Truly, Nothing. All my fears. All, yes, A-L-L of my feelings, thoughts, uncertainties, guilts, hopes, passions, and feelings of inferiority. I can't do this with just anyone though. It nearly always has to be... someone whom I feel is Riskless. This means that all the things I tell them can't put a friendship at risk. -So, it is nearly always someone I hardly know, who I find I can tell these things to. It's easier, also, when the person has no connections to others that I know: then there's no risk of my saying something stupid, and having it get back to the friends I have. And when I'm about to leave the country as well, HMMMM!!! Then what could I possibly be risking?

When I met Liina, she seemed exactly the right type of person: I didn't know her at all, she spoke perfect English, She wasn't in the Ballet, (And I took that to mean that she knew none of my friends at all well,) AND... I'd never see her again anyhow. So why not open up my mind, and tell her everything that I had to say? (She hasn't been the first one like that. I have mailing addresses of a number of such people around the globe. The one's I was brave with, and decided to give Carté-Blance for my mind and soul. And nearly all of them turned out to be good, understanding people.)

So, is that clear? Our nice little "chat" was about who I was, and what had changed in Me. And also what was new with Her. Hmmm... and does this all seem to deep and personal to put up? Why? Why would it be so? I don't reveal all those deepest doubts, dreams, and deficiencies of my soul. I only state that they can be revealed. (And If you know me already, then you know me too well for me to be able to tell them all to you. Sorry. To late.) Of course, this whole website is partially the same thing though; There's this delicious thrilling fear, that someone completely unknown will see it, take interest, and read it all. And find out ever so much about me, and... me. It is the same open giving to absolute strangers. And I feel the exact same situation of No Risk. -because I never would have met any of those people anyway.

Hmm... back to this day in Estonia. Our "chat" went on a bit longer than I meant it to; I still meant to go and see this friend from costumes, remember? And it was on the other side of the river, in a theater I remembered walking by one time, and which I had an address for. But I didn't Really know Exactly where it was. And it took me some time, quite some time to get there. And when I was at last nearing the right place, I knew it Had to be the right place, only because there were a few hundred people walking away from it. The performance had just ended.

I got to talk with Piret a little though, following her around as she went from dressingroom to dressing room, getting the things that needed to be washed. And she had a bit of time just after too, before her husband came and picked her up in the car. So, I can say that I DID see Piret! -But not really for all that long.

And then I had an equally long walk back to the Petersoo place, (where I was staying.) The only other thing that happened that night, was that I managed to phone Mari, (We saw her shortly on the 11th in Tallinn.) She was my partner for this and that over the years. And she was good to cook with. And we have warm, if not frequent contact still. Well, this was a chance to talk with her on the phone, (although there was no chance to actually See her.) Quite good to hear more about how she's doing, and to gossip about dance, dancing, dances, and dancers. (As well as a bit of gossip about each other's love lives. We are both hopeless romantics that way: that we love to hear about other's romances.) Yes. So I had a nice talk before going to bed.